You Are The Medicine

I was born in Utah to a practicing LDS family where I was steeped in 'spirit' over everything. To live life 'for the next life.' When I was 8, I was asked if I wanted to be baptized in the church. While I said yes, there was a subtle ache in my center that defiently said 'no.'

But, being the 8 year-old I was and so wanting to belong, I continued. I had to be 'baptized' three times, because each time they tried a little toe, or finger, (or maybe it was my wild tail), would pop above the water - and the baptism wouldn't be complete, for I wasn't fully submerged; still...unclean.

As I grew, that aching feeling within became gnawing. I grew up never feeling like I was 'worthy,' 'enough,' or 'right.' I felt wrong to my core. Outside, I tried to be the example of a "Daughter of God," I really did try to believe...but within, I was always hiding who I really was. This split of 'out there' and 'in here' became unbearable and I resorted to drugs and alcohol in my teenaege years to mitigate the pressures of living as one thing, but being another.

Finally, turning 17 and graduating high school, I fled like a feral creature who'd become a domesticated pet: the first chance I got. No money, no home, no real-sense of what I was doing. But it was time to go. 

I spent a lot of time on the road, living in tents, friends homes, sometimes my own place, but everything was quite...untethered. I was on a journey of losing 'who I thought I was', my naivety, and everything I had been taught to think of the world. At times it was scary, I couldn't make sense of what was 'right/wrong' or 'up/down,' 'safe/unsafe.' There was a lot of uncertainity, scarcity, non-understanding, and terror. Terror that I was going to burn in hell, that I already was in hell, becuase I had forsaken the 'straight and narrow.' Terror that I wouldn't 'make it.'

But what kept me from running back to my old life that constantly pulled at me, was that small sensation within, no longer gnawing, or aching, but burning with Knowing. Knowing that this was better than living stuffed-inward.

Years later, and being 20, my spirit finally led my body to North Carolina, where I traded my repressed upbringing for life as an exotic dancer - a stripper. Where I met "Selene," the Goddess of the Moon. The woman, the persona, I would embody as I spent about six years in and out of that profession. It was the place I found liberation through dance, movement, sensuality, and expression. It is where I discovered and was initiated into the sacred power of sensuality, ecstatic bliss, and my own primal, raw, sexual, femininity. It is there I discovered, re-claimed, and began re-membering who I was.

Now almost 29, and having been out of that profession for almost three years, I am integrating that medicine. Distilling it down into a safe form of wild, expressive, liberated freedom. Because neither the environments of religion, nor strip clubs, are pure. They are steeped in a culture that is oppressive, manipulative, and exploitative (much like our own societies). But it is what shaped me and I honor them for all they've given me. While I would never say to a woman 'go to the club to find your essence,' I am glad that that is where my journey led me. For in me, there is this burning desire to help women embrace and express their true essence without the accumulation of trauma, hardship, or oppression. Now, I have the gift of creating sacred and safe spaces where women can feel into their own capacity, sensuality, and power for themselves...and embody that in their lives as they see fit.

In deep gratitude to Selene, to my parents, their parents, and my ancestors. In deep gratitude, I honor my time in the LDS church, and the many many clubs that helped me re-member that I am worthy of love, simply because I exist. I send my prayers out to those still in those enviroments, or one's like it, may they be liberated. And may we all come to re-member and embody our divine essence.

With wild and ecstatic love,
Kayla